Life changes such as divorce are seasons in one’s life that can be a difficult road to travel. For all family members, it can be confusing, hard, scary and, quite frankly, immensely painful. Divorce goes to the very core of our hearts, emotions and pocketbooks as one family turns into two families – and the once “known” is now an unknown, unsure future.

Decisions spouses—
parents—make will impact their children’s well-being, their own well-being, and the lives of those around them.

Choices made impact how spouses and their children recover from the damaging aspects of divorce. Choices made impact how well each family member steps into new ways of relating to each other.  

As hard as this season of divorce is, it can be a constructive season in spite of the hardships.

With all of the many hurts, misunderstandings, wrong-doings that are going on—there are excellent ways a parent can positively impact the short and long term results to his/her family.

A parent can choose to let his/her anger and hurts regarding the other spouse be known to his/her children by words or actions. Tearing down the children’s other parent to or in front of the children impacts how those children see themselves. We learn about ourselves in part through our parents. Attacking the other parent, in the child’s eyes, is, in part, attacking that child self-identity.

 Though anger and hurt are valid emotions, a parent can choose how to handle those emotions and their thoughts in a way that will most positively impact their children – and themselves. Below are the needs of the children and how a divorced parent can address them.         

     1. Stability. In the midst of the many changes, children especially need stability. Think of one or two things you and your children did prior to the break-up of your marriage and continue those such as a set meal-time, reading with the children before going to bed.
     2. Home. Make it home wherever you and your children are. A child of a divorced parent recently told his mother, “Mom, you always make it home wherever we are.”
     3. Boundaries/discipline. Divorcing or divorced parents feel guilty for the pain their children are experiencing. Though difficult, it is most important to continue to say “no” when appropriate and to discipline/correct misbehavior, etc. Ironically, “giving in” gives a message opposite of “safety”. Boundaries speak safety.
     4. Consistent discipline. As much as possible, work with the other parent to discipline the children consistently in both homes. Narrow it down in one sentence what it is you each want the child to learn and communicate that to each other. Let go of the blame or accusations.

6. Ask and listen to how your children are feeling. Allowing children to share their feelings and thoughts of sadness, anger, resentment and perhaps, for older children, embarrassment and shame. The hard part: let them talk without getting defensive or shutting them down.
A good response can be, “Tell me more about that” and “Thanks for letting me know how you feel.”
7. Assure your children it’s not their fault. Over-emphasize, especially at first, that the divorce is absolutely not their fault. Most children believe it’s their fault whether they say this or not.
8. Avoid lashing out. If you have lashed out, admit to your child you were wrong and ask them to forgive you. As vulnerable as it feels, a child’s respect for you will only grow.
9. Avoid leaning on your children emotionally. It’s too big of a burden for any child to carry even though they will valiantly try. Turn to friends or adult siblings to talk about things with or for support. In addition, a counselor may give guidance on how to work through the tough and raw emotions.
10. Say positive things about the other parent. There is ALWAYS something good you can say about someone. Remember, this is your children’s parent and as you point out the good in the other parent, you will be building into your children’s self-identity.
11. Do something you enjoy. If you don’t know what that is, start figuring it out. Playing golf, hitting baseballs, shooting hoops. Going for a walk, watching a sunset quietly, having coffee with a friend – yes, spend the $5.00 for a good cup of coffee. Treat yourself in some minor way – and it will have a major impact on you and your children!

Jae Mundt is an attorney and mediator focusing on family law at The Law Offices of Jae Mundt & Associates, PC. With years of experience not only as an attorney but as a pastor for children and family ministries, Jae has worked with families on many different levels bringing compassion, knowledge and legal expertise to each client. For more information, visit her website at www.jaemundt.com., or contact her at 303.870.5475 or Jae@JaeMundt.com